Tuesday 25 August 2015

The need to write.

I've always felt a need to write. I write how I feel, I write my plans, problems and wishes, I write everything down... usually on paper, I'm old school that way.

Today I felt the urge to write on a different platform, to broadcast my thoughts to the abyss of the internet and to share it with the world... if it wants to read them:

I have a split life.

For my colleagues at work, I'm just another girl working in the corporate world.  The can´t imagine what lies beneath my suit:  a colourful weird person that loves to be different, tattooed, filled with wanderlust, that wants to dye her hair violet or blue, who would give up in an instant all things corporate if she could live in a small farm surrounded by nature. They never guess that I love metal, folk music or old 70´s punk, that I love cooking and that I have 4 cats.  They know I'm married, but they can´t grasp how an amazing man he is... and they would never guess I'm bisexual.

For my friends, my job is something they don´t understand, and they know how much I hate it.

So... why this job? Well, first of all it´s not THIS job, which by the way I'm extremely thankful for.  Is this KIND of job: corporate, in an office in the financial environment... is just not me.

This type of work drains my energy and comes so unnatural to me, but it is a good salary and pays the bills.

On the other hand, if you ask me what I would LOVE to do (yes, L O V E with-all-capitals-kind-of-love) I just don´t know.

I would love to make films: write them, do make ups, act on them... but I also want to be a photographer, have a farm, host a radio show, work at an animal sanctuary or shelter, have a restaurant or pub, have a stationary shop, or own a book store.  I want to be a teacher and I want to write academic papers. I want to run a tattoo shop (even though I can´t tattoo) or do life, work and financial workshops for women in small indigenous communities.

So what do I do? I write.  I write about these crazy dreams hoping that one day they all become true.  I write them as a child writes a letter to Santa Clause, hoping to see a new life wrapped in shiny paper the next morning.

Maybe one day I'll be on the outside who I really am on the inside, I'm working on it.  I'm starting a road far from any road I've been, I'm on a journey to a better self, to be better, healthier, stronger and maybe then, Ill have the courage to do all those things without caring how much do I earn.

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